ASHLI: History Lessons from a Valley Girl #1

Okay, so… right, like, there was this guy once and he was totally, like, a king and stuff. I’m sure you’ve heard of him, Henry VIII? And nowadays he’s remembered as being a total badass player, so much so that he even was like, “No way Jesus, I’m making my own church”, or whatever. So, like, I’m wondering, was he really badass or actually a bit of a douche? I know, right, totally ace!

So, okay, Henry totally became King of England when his brother, Arthur, died. And Henry, totally being a good brother, was like, “Yeah, sure, I’ll marry your totally hot Spanish bride, who you promise you didn’t have sex with, cause you’re sick and shit.” Nice guy, right?

So, he marries Katherine of Aragon and they hang out and have babies and shit and it’s all good in England, and Katharine doesn’t care that Henry is boning like, everyone else with a pair of tits in England and France, cause he’s the King and that shit was totally cool then.

Then, like 15 years later Henry is like, “Um, Katharine, how come we only have one surviving child and you haven’t given me a son yet that can look after all the cool stuff I’ve been doing to England when I die?” and Katharine is like “God has decided to take our children away” or something like that, 'cause she’s like, total religious and stuff.

So, then these bitches come to court and Henry’s like “I’mma have me some of that” and starts having sex with this chick Mary Boelyn, who the King of France called his English Mare ‘cause she was like, totally a slut and sexed everyone, and Henry wasn’t one to worry about sloppy seconds. But then, he was like, actually, your sister's better.

Sucks, right? Apparantly, Henry was all for keeping it in the family. So, he starts trying to bone Anne Boelyn, but she’s like, “Nope, you’re married.” She wasn’t so religious, just totally knew how to play men, and also 'cause her uncle, the Duke of Norfolk, was telling her what to do. And this went on for like, 8 years, while Henry was trying to figure out how to get rid of his now not so hot and totally all dried up wife, Katharine.

Luckily for Henry, this dude in Germany, Martin Luther, made up a new religion that was like Catholicism, but was more liberal, Lutheranism. And Anne Boelyn dug it, so Henry did too. Also, it meant Henry could get a divorce, 'cause Martin Luther thought that being a player was pretty nifty.

Henry thought “Boom, if this guy can make a religion, so can I” and decided to call himself the head of it, 'cause he was super modest, and then England separated from Rome and Catholicism.

He chucked the old wife, Katharine, to hang out in Wales, saying that she had lied the whole time and had actually boned his brother which was why God was like “No way you guys are having totally awesome sons.” Success.

Except, Anne Boelyn was a bit of a let down. Even though she had been totally like, “Yeah, I’ll give you badass sons that will fight and not even be a little bit gay”, she had a daughter, who you may have heard of, Elizabeth. Bummer for Mr. I-want-lots-of-sons, another girl. So, Anne got pregnant again, and it died, lamesville. Henry started to dislike her, and thinking that she had tricked him, like witch craft and shit, to keep him all into her for super long without putting out.

Henry started having sex with other chicks, especially Jane Seymour. And he started thinking Anne was probably sleeping around too, 'cause he was a nice guy and trusted people. And also, he wanted a new wife, 'cause he was like that. Easier killing someone that starting a new religion, he figured.

So, he investigated Anne Boelyn and decided she was guilty of adultery, incest and witchcraft, and killed her along with her brother and pretty much every guy she’s ever looked at. They all lost their heads, and Anne now hangs out in an unmarked grave in the Tower of London grounds. Super, duper.

Next time: (in case you haven’t decided if Henry really is a player or a douche) the other four wives! I know, it’s like… better than Eastenders.

- Ashli x