Apologies for lack of timely follow up to part one. I've been busy. And lovesick. And unable to focus on anything other than my lovesickness. But mostly busy.
ANYWAY
The Maladjusted Tourist's Guide To How To Behave In Cornwall (Part 2 wasn't mean to be more than one part but I rambled on so much about the driving)
Second up, of sorts, The community & how to not annoy it. Keep up!
1. "Ah, isn't this a twee little place!" NO! "Oh, it's like it's been preserved in history" NO IT HASN'T! "It's a shame that man in his van is spoiling the beautiful view of the bay in front of my holiday house" HE'S FIXING THE BLOODY WALL YOU DROVE THROUGH IN YOUR CHELSEA TRACTOR! These are not model villages, they have not been put together for purely your enjoyment, people live here, work here, exist here. Yes, we are lucky enough to live in what is a comparatively attractive area when placed against your concrete stained, gang-warfare strewn hellholes, but it cannot fit every picture postcard you've ever sent to Aunt Freda in Scunthorpe.
So if you stand in the middle of the street bemoaning to your tear-stained family the new development being built on an old disused allotment in the middle of the village (to house the displaced locals having to live with their parents, in skanky bedsits or on the street thanks to all the village housing stock lying empty all bar 2 weeks of the year as its owners, YOU, swank about in your chinos and loafers) don't be surprised if you are shot dead by furious local bystanders' stares.
2. Ok, this is a biggie. We know you don't live here all the time. But, by being financially able to buy property in our villages & towns, you are immediately demonstrating your financial viability to pay tax. Cornwall's a poor area, despite appearances maybe, and needs investment, so surely your social conscience can allow you to at least pay full amounts of council tax on your second homes (yes we know you may have 'switched' your primary residence, politician style, to your seaside retreat, that's even worse - you're not contributing enough to your own locale), and thus make a tangible and discernible contribution to the local economy and council.
100s if not 1000s of Cornwall County Council employees are currently being made redundant. You have that on your conscience.
3. Most local village shops have little capacity and at busy times of day there is likely to be a queue, especially in the peak months. During our packed days of, you know, leading our daily lives, we may pop in to quickly grab a pint of milk for cribtime, a pasty for lunch or a packet of rizlas for all other times, and we still have to queue for hours, thus wasting valuable man hours. So imagine our gall, our outrage, when we are, say, 5th in the queue, have been waiting for around 5 minutes, and you're at the checkout with your basket of caviare and starfruit, and realise you've forgotten the cinnamon sticks. "Tarquin!" you scream to the 10 year old brat currently getting under our feet, "can you run to the back of the shop and find mummy some cinnamon sticks?".
Now, instead of making us all wait for the blazered little idiot to search high and low for 5 more minutes for something he doesn't even understand (we're with him there) whilst you get angrier and angrier holding up the entire shop - why don't you LET US THROUGH, FIND THE BLOODY THINGS YOURSELF (as well as the satin bog roll you'll realise you forgot by the time he gets back, sobbing into the cinnamon) AND GET TO THE BACK OF THE QUEUE. We are not here to watch the gradual dismantling of your parental confidence over something used in some parts of the world to cure diarrhoea. We have things to do, like earning a paltry living.
Ok, so maybe mylovesickness busy nature of late has made me yet more ranty, if it were possible. Essentially, this basically boils to one thing. It's this simple. Next week (or possibly month...), I should get around to "How to ingratiate yourself to local hospitality providers" and possibly some other topics as they occur to me. In the meantime - Happy Holidays!
1. "Ah, isn't this a twee little place!" NO! "Oh, it's like it's been preserved in history" NO IT HASN'T! "It's a shame that man in his van is spoiling the beautiful view of the bay in front of my holiday house" HE'S FIXING THE BLOODY WALL YOU DROVE THROUGH IN YOUR CHELSEA TRACTOR! These are not model villages, they have not been put together for purely your enjoyment, people live here, work here, exist here. Yes, we are lucky enough to live in what is a comparatively attractive area when placed against your concrete stained, gang-warfare strewn hellholes, but it cannot fit every picture postcard you've ever sent to Aunt Freda in Scunthorpe.
So if you stand in the middle of the street bemoaning to your tear-stained family the new development being built on an old disused allotment in the middle of the village (to house the displaced locals having to live with their parents, in skanky bedsits or on the street thanks to all the village housing stock lying empty all bar 2 weeks of the year as its owners, YOU, swank about in your chinos and loafers) don't be surprised if you are shot dead by furious local bystanders' stares.
2. Ok, this is a biggie. We know you don't live here all the time. But, by being financially able to buy property in our villages & towns, you are immediately demonstrating your financial viability to pay tax. Cornwall's a poor area, despite appearances maybe, and needs investment, so surely your social conscience can allow you to at least pay full amounts of council tax on your second homes (yes we know you may have 'switched' your primary residence, politician style, to your seaside retreat, that's even worse - you're not contributing enough to your own locale), and thus make a tangible and discernible contribution to the local economy and council.
100s if not 1000s of Cornwall County Council employees are currently being made redundant. You have that on your conscience.
3. Most local village shops have little capacity and at busy times of day there is likely to be a queue, especially in the peak months. During our packed days of, you know, leading our daily lives, we may pop in to quickly grab a pint of milk for cribtime, a pasty for lunch or a packet of rizlas for all other times, and we still have to queue for hours, thus wasting valuable man hours. So imagine our gall, our outrage, when we are, say, 5th in the queue, have been waiting for around 5 minutes, and you're at the checkout with your basket of caviare and starfruit, and realise you've forgotten the cinnamon sticks. "Tarquin!" you scream to the 10 year old brat currently getting under our feet, "can you run to the back of the shop and find mummy some cinnamon sticks?".
Now, instead of making us all wait for the blazered little idiot to search high and low for 5 more minutes for something he doesn't even understand (we're with him there) whilst you get angrier and angrier holding up the entire shop - why don't you LET US THROUGH, FIND THE BLOODY THINGS YOURSELF (as well as the satin bog roll you'll realise you forgot by the time he gets back, sobbing into the cinnamon) AND GET TO THE BACK OF THE QUEUE. We are not here to watch the gradual dismantling of your parental confidence over something used in some parts of the world to cure diarrhoea. We have things to do, like earning a paltry living.
Ok, so maybe my
- George ST
In two weeks time your blog will seem tame in comparison to the rage, the rage brought forth by the slower, generally more ignorant and ultimately more infuriating off peak holidayers.
ReplyDeleteThe wrinkly hold ups.
The even slower caravans.
The anguish.